So as the leading expert in business travel the pressure on me to write this article has been intense.
But, since I haven’t flown anywhere since December 25th when Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab set his underpants on fire aboard Northwest Flight 253, that would be a difficult task. Anyway the TSA has decided not to tell everyone the knew rules and procedures, that way the terrorists won’t know what to try to circumvent. Brilliant no?
But I still have a column to write, so I decided to interview Omar Frakkin Abdulwhatsits and the acting head of the TSA Gale Rossides.
NFH: Let me start with Mr. Rossides, Gale what the fuck? Why wasn’t this dirtbag on the no fly list? His own father had reported him as a potential terrorist?
Rossides: Well that’s a very complex issue, you see foreign governments, especially in Europe are very resistant to releasing relevant information that would allow the no fly list to work…
NFH: Yeah, yeah, yeah, we know all that, but if the British government issued a ban to keep Ulnar Abdomen Atari out of the country, why didn’t we?
Rossides: We added Mr. Abdulmutallab’s name to the TIDE, the Terrorist Identities Datamart Environment list, so we were aware of him, but as we had no definitive proof he was a potential terrorist, no further action was required.
Abdulmutallab: Infidel dogs.
NFH: Listen, Underpants Bomber, I’ll get to you in a minute. First I wanted to ask Mr. Rossides… Hey! Abdulmutallab! Hands on the table please. Thank you. Where was I?
Rossides: Look I’m only the acting head of TSA. I’m doing the best I can, but we’re waiting for the Senate to approve President Obama’s nominee, Erroll Southers. He’s ex FBI, and top law enforcement official at Los Angeles World Airports, LAX.
NFH: And why isn’t he in office yet? He was nominated in September?
Rossides: Sen. Jim DeMint (R-S.C.), the ranking member on the aviation subcommittee, has led the opposition to Southers’ by raising questions about whether he would allow TSA security screeners to form a union.
NFH: Really? Sen. DeMint is more afraid of unions then of terrorists? Great.
Abdulmutallab: It’s a little chilly in here, can I get a blanket?
NFH & Rossides: No!
NFH: So following the Richard Reed, shoe bomber attack, we had to take our shoes off at the airport and send them through the scanner. Now that Umar here’s gone and done the same thing with underwear…
Rossides: There are no current plans to have passengers put their underwear through the scanner.
NFH: But you’re not ruling it out.
Rossides: Our new strategy is to keep the terrorists guessing.
NFH: Ok, let’s turn to you now, Mr. Underpants Bomber, what’s your deal?
Abdulmutallab: My deal? Death to America!
NFH: Ok, right. Got that. Anything else to add?
Abdulmutallab: The inconveniencing of American travelers is a victory for Al Qaeda!
NFH: Kind of a hollow one, wouldn’t you say? So what’s next? You guys have done shoes, and now underpants… maybe hats? Fake exploding beards? What’ve you got left?
Abdulmatallab: Who told you about the exploding beards?
Rossides: [to NFH] Can I borrow your phone a minute.
NFH: Oh brother.
Related but much better written: The True Odds of Airborne Terror – Gizmodo
UPDATE: Since publishing this blog post I’ve learned that there is an actual uproar going on about some big time travel bloggers, Steven Frischling, and Christopher Elliot who published the TSA’s updated playbook, a document called “SD 1544-09-06″ which had been sent to then anonymously. You can read more about that here, here, and here.
